Love is all you need...

Today is my father's fifty-something-th birthday and my family celebrated with a chocolate cake that came from a box, previously burnt candles, and hand-made cards. We sliced cake, slurped on melting Bluebell ice cream, and fell in and out of conversation while engulfing chocolatey goodness. Dad, having everyone at the table and enjoying his celebration, stated between mouthfuls that it was great to have everyone think of him on his birthday. Yes, my father is a sensitive man and probably wanted to hear 'we think of you every day dad' (in which we do) but instead we just responded collectively that we loved him and appreciated all he did. Although my sisters and I say this quite a bit (because he likes to hear it and plays 'woe is me' just to know he's appreciated) I believe it impacted him in a different way just by the look on his face. His eyebrows relaxed, the muscles underneath his cheeks rippled, his skin glowed. He was so warm and so happy, so full of love. His stance was intoxicating as I too while looking around the silent table began to feel full inside my stomach. I don't want to think it was just from the gigantic piece of cake my sister sliced for me, but of something I felt in my viens. Love, of course. I am a people person and on this spiritual journey, if you will, thus far I have tried to concentrate just on MY actions, to seclude myself completly and learn to indulge in my own emotions. I felt starved that way, like I wasn't recieving anything from it. I am one who has to be surrounded my people and while being alone may prove to be theraputic and telling at times, it doesn't make me FEEL at ease, at peace with myself and my surroundings. Maybe it's okay that I find inner peace through love of others and those around me. Perhaps this pulsing love around me is why I'm content with myself for the most part...to know I'm loved and can connect with others on an intimate level. I like to share experiences with others, gain their opinions, learn from their wisdom and experiences...this helps me learn and thus, grow. I find comfort driving down the highway with my best friend, coming down from a mountain side to safety, napping in my boyfriend's embrace, sitting with my family over a home-made chocolate cake...I find peace not from meditating in my closet or seeking solitary confinement in the woods but from existing with another, just existing whether that's going on a church camping trip or passing out on the couch. Yes, I'm interested in yoga and mental exercises, eastern religious practices to reach a personal high point, but perhaps with another or be able to strike a balance between the two. I feel this 'inner peace' in my day to day with people I love unconditionally and with those that love me back. I just need to keep up with my relationships, keep hugging, holding on, crying, laughing....loving.

I fit inside of you. I can be inside of you.

I tried this meditation mechanism a few days ago with a close friend. After watching a few movies we both collapsed on the couch and with eyelashes batting, discussed meditation, if we knew anyone who practiced it, what peace that brought. My friend wrapped his arms around me and drew me toward his massive chest. Attempting to meditate, or nap rather, we both took notice in how we both attempted to synchronize breaths, even though lung capacities were quite different, without thinking about it, me (the smaller) would hold my breath and release the air once he had. It creates a balance of sorts.
"I tried meditating once," he informed me as our chests heaved in and out rhythmically . "I lit some incense, you know, sat cross legged, and tried to block everything out of my mind."
"Did it work?"
"It was difficult to get everything off my brain...but was awesome while it lasted. I felt light," he opened one eyelid and peered at my blank face. "But then I got a headache from in carbon monoxide from the incense and had to open the windows and it got cold."
I laughed and remained curled up on our sides for a few moments.
"Try to relax everything in your body. Start with your toes," I whispered, "then work your way up...picture a flaming ball growing out of your heart...what color is yours?"
"Blue...greenish."
"With each breath feel it expand to as big as you want, then move it with your core energy to any painful area on your body."
We 'did' this for five minutes or so before he asked what color mine was.
"It's red, fiery red, and has orange flames coming out of it..."
"Like...the sun."
We laughed and the concentration was broken. I didn't FEEL anything mystical or come to any mystical enlightenment for the time allotted. It was probably because his presence was distracting.
I did FEEL though, something much simpler. The act of being together, the balancing, the rhythmic breathing did serve therapeutic. Being with another is comforting. Lovely. Just relaxing...is this some type of meditation? I think so...
As my friend was lulling off to sleep and his breaths became deeper and longer winded I thought deeper into the previous conversation. With the lung capacity he had, I felt, wrapped up in his arms, engulfed, trapped, swallowed whole. "Complete or touched" if you will. I desperately wanted to wake him and say, 'I can fold into your ribcage, every breath I breathe out, each time my lungs deflate, back collapses, my soul sinks into you. I fit inside of you. I can be inside of you.'
I felt inner calm...peace as my breaths resulted to steady inhales and exhales in tune with his sleepy sighs. I too, sailed, drifted to sleep, my fiery red and orange flamed healing orb over my heart.

If you hear a voice or sound, ignore it.

I'm considering meditating before my shower each morning before school. I've heard this works relatively well. There are many techniques to try, different donominations of meditation to practice. The one I plan to try tomorrow is a 'Heart Centered Meditation' exercise. Here is my derived list of things to do in order to accomplish this sense of calm.
1.) Quiet area, no distractions, no lights. I might have to situate myself in my closet, underneath skirt hems, squahing summer flip-flops.
2.) Get comfortable...lie on back or sit with back toward wall. Palms up, fingers pinched, lightly for traditional touch. Silly.
3.) Relax. Breath deeply, concentrate on exhales and inhales. Try to relax every muscle in body, starting from toes up to face. Focus is the biggest key here, really trying to get into it, really trying to let go.
4.) If you hear a voice or sound, ignore it.
5.) Draw attention to center of chest. Imagine a ball of light, any color you like halfway in your chest, half out. Watch (with your third eye) it grow with each inhale and exhale. Allow it to be as large as you like. Hmm...what color will mine be? Will archetypial colors come into play? I'm thinking softball size...
6.) Ball = healing love energy. Allow it to rub over wounded areas. Let your mind direct it toward those in your life that need your lovely healing. I have to let it go? Selflessness or selfishness?
7.) Once feeling complete or touched, slowly become aware of your surroundings. Stretch. Listen to Keane's "Sunshine" song.
Will update with experience once completed.

Stepping Stones (of sorts)

Recently, all I want to do is crawl into bed, wrap myself up in warm blankets and sleep. I have had a hard time seeking out inner peace due to the stresses in my week, and have concluded most profoundly that I need sleep not only to rest my tiresome body, but my tiresome mind. Through some research, I have come to terms with the fact that with my schedule, I and fellow humans as it is our nature subconciously to seek inner peace, rest, detachment of concentrated human burdens or thoughts, through sleep. But of course I cannot sleep all the time, as I would like -- no, I have obligations out in society to fulfill. I've dug through some anti-stress, striving toward inner-peace articles and came upon this "list" of proposed "stepping stones" as I like to call them toward reaching CONSCIOUS inner peace...more frequently anyway....

# 1: Reduce the amount of time you read the newspapers or watch the news on TV.
I don't know how to feel about this one. I think it's important to know what's going on in your community and world....does finding inner peace really mean sacrificing worldly ties? Wouldn't you feel or look stupid not being in the know? How much are you willing to sacrifice in society to reach this personal peak? Is this why it's hard to obtain? Or not obtainable at all?

# 2: Stay away from negative conversations and from negative people.
This is a nice thought but really, it's simply unrealistic. People are quite naturally pessimists and "gossipists."

# 3: Don't hold a grudge. Learn to forget and forgive. Nurturing ill feelings and grievances hurt you and cause lack of sleep.
Yes, again, a good solid goal.

# 4: Don't be jealous of others. Being jealous means that you have low self-esteem and consider yourself inferior to others. This again, causes lack of inner peace.
Again, a nice tidbit of information but especially hard for me being a dead-on Scorpio. I will rise above astrology though; the stars always lie (you know this right?).

# 5: Accept what cannot be changed. This saves a lot of time, energy and worries.
It's that easy.

# 6: Every day we face numerous inconveniences, irritations and situations that are beyond our control. If we can change them, that's fine, but this is not always possible. We must learn to put up with such things and accept them cheerfully.
Right on. Cheerfully.

# 7: Learn to be more patient and tolerant with people and events.
Patience is a virtue.

# 8: Don't take everything too personally. Some emotional and mental detachment is desirable. Try to view your life and other people with a little detachment and less involvement. Detachment is not indifference, lack of interest or coldness. It is the ability to think and judge impartially and logically. Don't worry if again and again you fail to manifest detachment. Just keep trying.
Agreed, agreed....don't look like a loner though or one without feeling. Wear warm colors.

# 9: Let bygones be gone. Forget the past and concentrate on the present moment. There is no need to evoke unpleasant memories and immerse yourself in them.
Guilty.

# 10: Practice some concentration exercises. This will help you to reject unpleasant thoughts and worries that steal away your peace of mind.
Interesting....

# 11: Learn to practice meditation. Even a few minutes a day will make a change in your life.
(stroking chin)

I'm going to write my own list.

"Don't worry, be happy"

Church. This makes some people's skin curl and some people's breathe. For me, I like to think it's a happy medium of both...or a not so 'happy.'
I grew up in a Luthern church, which is the closest Protestant sect to Catholicism. We had very traditional services with hymns sung out of books, torch bearers, real red wine communion (no Welch's) and strict Sunday attire. No, Lutheran services don't resemble a high school pep rally and aren't housed in carpet warehouses. Vacation Bible School is school, not if-Jesus-were-a-polar-bear-type-arctic-in-Alabama sessions. We don't sing from projector screens or have "contemporary Christian bands"come up and rock out to 'Our God is An Awesome God'. We rise, we kneel, we pray, like it has been done for years. We are formal as formal can get in my opinion. I spent years upon years three hours a week studying the religion, the different creeds and other 'important texts', makings and heart of Martin Luther who daringly left the pope, and deeper meanings of Communion in order to be 'confirmed' and deemed worthy enough to be a member of the church. I liked that sense of belonging, felt 'connected' or 'in the spirit' to such an extreme level of devotion and advocacy...or atleast I thought I was 'there', taught to think I was 'there'.
We left the Luthern church due to 'issues' within the office (money mysteriously disappearing) and because of this creepy Mr. Nelson (who talked like he had something stuck in his throat) stalking my mother and counting her supposed days left of her breast-cancer fight. I was incredibly dissapointed, because this was right after I had been confirmed and I wanted to 'see out' the rest of my spirtual Luthern journey yah de yah de yah. I was so young, so naive.

Last summer I began attending church again....a Southern Baptist church to be exact where 'Brother Clark' yells at you during the sermons, questions your faith daily ("Are you walking with God today? If you're foolin' me, that's your problem because HE knows...HE KNOWS!" )...it's kind of scary actually, uncomfortable, and downright hilarious, especially during baptisms -- I swear, if someone told me to believe in something and held me underwater, hell, I'd believe it! But yeah, I know, shame on me, slap me on the hand, there is more to it then that. I find myself critiquing the service, the Baptist belief system...Christianity in general and what scares me the most is that such 'sinful' thoughts don't bother me anymore. Hell might be a better place after all, that is if it truly exisits. Who wants to be pious all the time in heaven? I will admit though that I still yearn for as silly as the services can come off, that 'feeling' everyone talks about. What does it mean to be "saved" and how can one truly know? Was I once
saved"? I have this one pressing image that keeps rising in my memory every time I sit in those pews. It's of this deacon-to-be and the pastor, both kneeling in front of the congregation together, holding each other's bowed heads in their hands and they're muttering a prayer for forgiveness and entrance into the deacon community, to serve, be the servant of God. Something just pulsed through me, the intamacy of the prayer, the grasping of one another, the touch. They 'felt' something, the 'Spirit' was present. People in the congregation were moved to tears or just blankly staring, absorbed. I just kept thinking, 'Are you kidding me?' I didn't feel anything. I really wanted to.
Which brings me to Wednesday Night Youth Group sessions called "Powerpoint" held at the "Powerhouse" (the name gets me every time -- it has a flashing sign) church building. I once-in-a-blue-moon attend the church, though decided to give it try again recently as I had some free time, needed to 'get out' and felt it would perhaps heighten my intellect in some way. So I followed my friends into a "Powerhouse" room and intently listened to the pastor's twenty-something-year-old-son give his lesson. He chose the topic of "worrying". He gave examples of worries that we might have: getting into college, ACT scores, friendships/relationships going awry, fights with parents, sports teams, etc. and told us that in order to be closer to God and to fully accept Him we must let them all go and give them to the Lord. "He will take care of all your burdens." The son went on in scripture (Jerimiah maybe?) that Jesus and his disciples were walking through this field and they were wondering how they could get to heaven, how they could find INNER PEACE, and Jesus said that they should give their burdens to God, have the ability to trust Him enough and he would provide and 'save them'. The birds always had enough food, the grass enough rain, etc...it was a nice story but realistically you can't NOT worry. That is what drives you, makes you productive. A friend of mine raised his hand and asked what about school? You can't just give up on that. "Oh but you can and God will provide." This pastor's son went on to lead us all in prayer, begging the Lord to give us strength to give up on pride and control of our lives, leaving minutes inbetween each statement for silent prayer. I counted seconds, wondering if the giving up of all or little burdens was worth it, would reap peaceful rewards in a dying faith in my eyes. Was it or is it worth restoring?

I'm going on a church retreat with some close friends this weekend (this is a different church -- Presbyterian actually) and am hoping that through different Christian eyes I may see something different -- maybe it's just the denomination or the church or religion..or me. Maybe being out in the freezing mountains will bring some sort of peace in the natural setting of the adirondacks. I wonder if I'm worthy enough to go on this trip, if I should involve myself in a fellowship of die-hard believers as this is the repuatation of the youth group. I'm not expecting to come down from the mountains after the weekend a changed person, one who has seen and felt the Lord before her very eyes...it would be interesting though to feel a step closer to something though, something safer than seemingly Nothing.
I hear Presbyterian's pray. A lot. I like praying; I'm all for that. While closing my eyes and bowing my head I can listen to the thistling of naked, skeletal trees in Appalacian gusty, spiraling wind...maybe in such silence, such isolation, I'll hear something, know something, feel something I'm after warm my insides, radiate heat.

I watch clouds churn for hours

This weekend I did some searching, went about my long weekend doing regular activities and some not so regular, attempting to note when I felt 'full' or when I felt calm and smooth minded, observed when I felt bliss for seconds or extended amounts of time.
I traveled into the great outdoors this weekend, became immersed. I surrounded myself with people I knew. I tried to establish a sense of 'home' in my surroundings, where muggy air met red clay, where mountaintops met charcoaled gray skies, where Alabama's county roads led somewhere.
I can account to three instances where I felt something, for even just a few seconds.

Instance One: The air feels like spring, balmy, calming before night time rain, and the sun rays reach to the corner of my left eye, and it's beam like an extended brush stroke, my tender skin felt exposed, pulled. I'm driving down bending, spiraling roads, fingertips on steering wheel. light touch on pedals, humming along to Sondre Lerche's "Virtue and Wine" song, friend by my side, twirling her wrist out the open window. I feel careless, youthful, memorable. With each twist and turn, dip, and crest of lake and golf course, of blown stop signs, and of gusty air, the song lyrics pick up with "virtue and wine cannot help you swim / Pain and sorrow must come/ if you go / It´s the chemistry and the things we should´nt do/ I am nothing without you" and I think as we ascend the highway ramp, of the people I love and the people I've left....massive trucks rattle my CR-V as we pick up speed and road noise on the flat interstate. I blast the music, allow my damp showered hair to air dry, and feel like I'm going somewhere, feel like I'm getting somewhere and that calms me.

Instance Two: I'm at 'my haven' which happens to be my mentor of sorts, the older sister I never had's barn and again, the air is balmy. The barn is quiet on the Sunday afternoon, shady and echoing of our voices. I groom my horse's coat while talking with Heather about this and that, every day things, ideas on religion. We both speculate and revist our ideas of heaven and hell and fundamentalist Christians and people who think they have it all figured out at my age and how people think they have it all figured out at hers (early thirties). We talk of a close friend's father who was diagnosed with lung cancer, unexpectantly.
"It's funny," she says, leaning on her muck fork while I bridle my impatient mare, "it's like when you tell God your plans, he laughs at you."
And I ponder the unexpected, the unreal, the spirtual world. What we must face in inconvienent times, and how we go about trudging through the muddle of it all.
We ride after this, jump actually, over poles held up by standards. I'm teaching her newest pony, Starlight, how to jump, and the pony gives me an eventful, wild ride. The last jump combination though, went so smoothly, so effortlessly, so light weight, so soft compared to the charging and rushing performances we had dealt with before. It was like once I had calmed down, and anticipated less, she responded, and mellowed out. I share this with Heather. She says it's all in the breathing. I cool the poor pony out by walking through the fields, and I try breathing deeply. I don't feel silly.

Instance Three: I'm at Palisades Park with some close friends. Keep in mind that I am dreadfully afraid of heights. Rock-climbing on a sixty foot cliff nicknamed Nevernever Land on a chilly, drizzly morning probably wasn't the best choice for my nerves and effort to find calm. I attempted to seek it though, looked out over Oneonta, the rising foot hills pinned with skeletal trees, and carved with rocky faces. The quaint cobblestone and wooden cabins and gazebos kept me distacted with a pioneer-type asthetic fantasy..the vistation to seemingly natural living, surrounded by nothing but cliffs and meadows below, leaning farmhouses and weathered barns warmed my insides. I was relaxing. We climbed down the mountain and set up top-ropes, put on harnesses and scaled the face (I with much difficulty and aprehension...quite frankly I am a total and complete beast when it comes to heights) until the sky released buckets full of rain, and I rapelled down the sixty footer, water soaking my t-shirt, my hair, running down my legs and hands and filling my shoes. Dangling a few feet from the ground I reach for the damp dirt with pointed toes. I feel weightless. My friend finally 'drops' me and I sink down into the mud. He unhooks me, and we scurry under a rock overlip, shivering, grasping onto each other for warmth and listening to the rain tap on fallen leaves, watch puddles form on boulders, watch clouds churn for hours. It's a relief to not only be on the ground, but to sit, and meditate with a silent partner.

I feel like I realized a bit more this weekend, drank up my experiences, sought to find inner peace...I'm just wondering if it's something to purposefully seek. I fear I'm trying to hard...time will tell.

Interesting Lady...Interesting Site...Will respond to soon...

http://www.peacepilgrim.org/